Teacher Misery Read online

  Praise for Teacher Misery

  “Wow! Get ready to learn more than Urban Dictionary could ever possibly teach you. The chapter on Furries is one of the most original and hilarious things I've ever read! I dare you not to laugh out loud!”

  -Robin O'Bryant, New York Times bestselling author of

  Ketchup is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves

  “If you are brave enough to be outraged by one horror story after another, then read this book for a compelling perspective on the challenges facing American teachers nowadays. In one page-turning short-chapter after another — each twisted, hilarious, sad, and scary — Jane Morris gives us a beautifully written exposé about the worst sides of today’s students, parents and school administrators. The book is tragic, entertaining, and completely jaded.”

  -Bruce Tulgan, bestselling author of

  Not Everyone Gets a Trophy: How to Manage the Millenials

  “I shook my head. I winced. I shuddered. I laughed out loud. In my book, those are the four qualities of a masterpiece. Jane Morris not only lifts the curtain on the horror teachers in our country face every day, but shows that her chosen profession is every bit as dangerous as a waitress at Waffle House.”

  -Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of

  The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club

  “Jane Morris, author of Teacher Misery, either has the patience of a saint or is certifiably insane, I can't decide which. Eh, who cares, because the stories she tells are unbelievable and yet, I'm positive they're true. This book left me laughing and reaching for a stiff drink - it's only a few more years until my kids grow up and become dumb ass teenagers.”

  -Jen Mann, New York Times bestselling author of

  People I Want to Punch in the Throat

  “As the daughter of two teachers, I’ve heard a lot about misbehaving students, parents, and administrators in my time, but none of it compared to the stories in Teacher Misery. Funny, freakish, and full of moments that make me glad I didn’t follow in my parents’ footsteps!”

  -Sarah Knight, bestselling author of

  The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck

  “As a parent, I’ve seen the ridiculousness of the ‘my-super-special-snowflake’ mentality playing out in preschools and elementary schools (so far), and I have always hoped that teachers privately called out nutty parents and resulting a-hole kids. I’m so glad that they do! At least this author does. And the resulting book where she dishes on the truth about trying to teach in this culture is hilarious informative, and insightful. But it will probably have you looking into private school so start saving.”

  -Stefanie Wilder Taylor, New York Times bestselling author of

  Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay

  “A compelling answer to anyone thoughtless enough to assert that teachers have it easy. This book shows that teaching is a tough, often maligned profession… yet brave and compassionate teachers keep coming back.”

  -John Owens, author of

  Confessions of a Bad Teacher

  “As with any good comedy, there is truth hidden within its pages. As funny as it is shocking.”

  -Librarything

  “Morris isn't afraid to tackle the tough issues: drugs, schoolyard violence, and furries in the classroom, just for starters. I believe every word she wrote, and mourn our species just a little bit. You don't need to work with or have children to enjoy the book—if you've ever met a child, you'll see madness you recognize.”

  -Clint Looney, author of

  Ward of the Flies: A Child Counselor’s F*ck-My-Life True Story

  “Eye-opening, intriguing and insightful.”

  -Night Reads

  “Compelling.”

  -Goodreads

  “I LOVE THIS BOOK. Teacher Misery perfectly encapsulates the comical misery that has become the teaching profession. As a teacher myself, while reading through these hilariously absurd anecdotes, I laughed hysterically, cried sympathetically, and by the end just straight up put my head in my hands, assuming the same "I-give-up" position that often gets me through a day in the classroom. If you're a teacher, this book will not inspire you to fall back in love with your profession, but it will make you thank the sweet heavens that SOMEONE out there understands. An important read for teachers and non-teachers alike— Teacher Misery paints an amusing and thoroughly entertaining picture of what has become of our education system, without detracting from the overall point that what teachers have to put up with today is complete, utter, unacceptable insanity.”

  -Emily Lerman, author of Emily’sPosts.com

  "Equal parts funny, shocking and a bit terrifying! When I remembered these stories are real, I couldn't help but laugh and cry at the same time at the state that our school system appears to be in and how farcical it all seems to be. This book speaks to the experiences of teachers and other public service workers alike. Hopefully it will help begin the reflection process and provide the impetus for us to take action toward the much needed change our school system needs and our children deserve."

  -Michael Mantell, MSW, New York, New York

  “Teacher Misery hit so close to home for me it's as if Ms. Morris and I work in the same school! This book truly shows the hilarity and sometimes downright ridiculousness of the teaching profession. I was laughing throughout the whole book! If you are a teacher or know a teacher, this book is definitely for you!”

  -Erinn Keane, 3rd grade teacher, New York, New York

  “Laughed until I cried, couldn't put it down. Every teacher should read this book! And to think I got suspended in 12th grade for saying the "f" word, ten short years ago. My how times have changed. I'm glad someone finally had the guts to tell it how it really is!”

  -Amanda Marfeo, 5th grade teacher, Hopewell Junction, New York

  “I love everything about this book. So funny and so true! I could seriously read these stories over and over again.”

  -Jackie Creasey, 8th grade math teacher, Anne Arundel, Maryland

  “If you're going into this book with the notion that teaching is boring, you will be pleasantly (or unpleasantly, depending on your mindset) surprised. If there's one thing that can be said about being a teacher, it makes for great stories to share while drinking bottomless margaritas at the end of the week. This book is like that, but without the hangover.”

  -Alexis Lambusta, 6th-8th Special Education teacher, Virginia

  “Every day for the past ten years, I have primarily worked in the most difficult inner-city schools. While most of my friends thoroughly enjoy the outlandish and almost unbelievable stories I've had to tell, they don't actually LIVE the horror like I do. I cannot express the sheer joy I experienced when I stumbled upon Teacher Misery on Instagram! Finally, someone who fully understood my plight and represented it in compact and hysterical posts. I immediately felt a connection as a fellow educator and as someone who has a complete love/hate relationship with her job. Obsessive? Perhaps, but I just can't get enough of Teacher Misery.”

  -Laura Cipolletti, 6th-8th grade English teacher, Cleveland, Ohio

  “This stuff cannot be made up! I laughed until I cried, cheered her on, and got red with fury at some of her encounters with parents and administration. Teacher Misery shows that teachers really are superheroes, because no matter how many times we get knocked down, we come right back the next day to try again.”

  -Lauren Cocroft, 6th grade math teacher, Memphis, Tennessee

  Teacher Misery

  JANE MORRIS

  Truth Be Told Publishing

  Copyright © 2016 Jane Morris

  Distributed by Smashwords

  All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. All right reserved under Intern
ational and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.

  This book was written by an American Public School teacher, who accordingly, has little to no money to spend on advertising, or anything else for that matter. While the author would be saddened by someone else making money from the illegal distribution of this work, she would be delighted by anyone who shares its contents with the intention of spreading the truth about the teaching experience in America.

  Cover design by Stacey Hill Designs

  Author drawing by NatalieDee.com

  ISBN: 1515376729

  ISBN-13: 978-1515376729

  FOR M,

  Always for you

  CONTENTS

  Preface

  Note

  Introduction

  Part I. Students

  Furries

  The Entitlement Chronicles

  Proclamation of Intent to Strangle

  Dinosaurs vs. Jews

  Rollers and Gumps

  Enough to be Horrifying

  The Giant, Writhing Petri Dish

  A.D.D. a.k.a. The Get Out of Work Free Card

  Can I Ask You A Question?

  Thoughtful Gifts

  The Spawn of Helicopter Parents

  Classroom Exchanges

  Odysseus is a Douchebag

  You Are What You Wear

  Let’s Smoke Some Meth

  The Tipping Point

  Valentine’s Day Surprise

  A Wildlife Habitat Called Middle School

  Brain Damage

  From the Frontlines Pt. 1

  Really Real Emailz: Student Edition

  Part II. Parents

  The Crazy Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Crazy Tree

  No Sex on the Staircase

  Attack Helicopter Parent

  Mommy Issues

  A Great Mystery

  Parenting Disorder

  Low Self-Esteem

  A Racist Phase

  I Deduct Points If I Don’t Like Your Face

  Assault with a Hilarious Weapon

  Juicy Fruit’s Mom

  From the Frontlines Pt. 2

  Really Real Emailz: Parent Edition

  Part III. Administration

  Protocol

  A Bit of an Introvert

  Three Strikes and You’re Still Not Out

  Real World Scenarios

  His Fucking Phone is of Utmost Importance

  Flipping a Brick

  Cause for Concern

  Not a Team Player

  What is this CCRAP?

  Words of Wisdom (treat them like sacks of shit)

  From the Frontlines Pt. 3

  Really Real Emailz: Administrative Edition

  Afterward

  Echoes Down the Corridor

  About the Author

  Appendix A. Artifacts from Students in their Natural Habitat

  Citations

  “School is indeed training for later in life because it teaches absurdity.”

  Jules Henry

  PREFACE

  While there is a pervasive myth that being a teacher in America is a relatively easy job (good hours, holidays and summers off, tenure etc.), many know otherwise. Many are aware of the shocking statistic that close to fifty percent of teachers quit within their first five years. Twenty percent of all teachers quit every year after that. If you had to guess why there is such a significant turnover rate just picture a new teacher, full of optimism, creativity and heart, whose only available placement is in a “rough” urban school, teaching six classes a day, with up to 40 students per class. You might imagine the incredible workload of grading hundreds of papers per week, the after school activities for no extra pay and the extremely low, stagnant wages. But these conditions don’t come as a surprise to new teachers. They’ve observed and interned in classrooms and were probably quite aware of these circumstances before entering the classroom themselves. They know what they’re getting into, and they still do it.

  So why do half of them quit? It’s not the low salary or the enormous workload- it’s the absurdity: the absurdity of a parent who blames their son’s act of arson on a teacher (for causing him low self-esteem); a student who doesn’t get so much as a slap on the wrist for selling drugs in class; and an administrator whose best advice is to “treat kids like sacks of shit.” It’s the foolishness of a parent cursing out a teacher on the phone and the teacher getting in trouble for hanging up. It’s the senselessness of a policy which states that a teacher should not call 911 in a medical emergency, for it is not her call to make. It’s the craziness of a parent who claims that although her son never came to class, he should be given a passing grade because he has knowledge in his brain but cannot demonstrate that knowledge in written or verbal form. It is the meaninglessness of official observations done by administrators that list “not writing in a straight line” and “blinds not pulled up evenly” as areas for improvement. And it is especially the general disregard for teachers that allows them to be publicly bullied and harassed on rating websites. Combine these absurd circumstances with the low wages and high workload and it’s a recipe for teacher misery.

  In 1969, Bel Kaufman published a novel entitled Up the Down Staircase based on her real life experiences as a teacher of English in an inner city high school. It has been translated into sixteen languages, made into an award-winning film, and staged as a play numerous times. Its title has even become a much-repeated phrase in America.

  As an English teacher in the year 2016, reading Up the Down Staircase is like a hilarious romp through a field of small potatoes. Isn’t it ironic that going up a staircase specifically labeled for going downstairs was a problem in 1969, whereas students having sex completely naked on the staircase is barely even a punishable offense in 2016? But perhaps what is more hilarious (and horrifying) is the parent of one of those students who argues that it is the school’s fault for not including “no sex on the staircase” as an official school rule.

  Think you know the modern teaching profession? I’d bet you my meager retirement savings that you don’t.

  NOTE

  Everything in this book, with the exception of names and locations, is true. This is a compilation of my experiences during the first five years of my teaching career. All names have been changed, including my own, to protect identities. (There are a handful of experiences which I saw other teachers endure, and they were too good not to include.) But if any lawyers or other intimidating individuals ever ask, nothing in this book is true, it is fiction based on real life events.

  Memento mori is a Latin phrase which means, “Remember you will die.” It refers to a genre of art that spans throughout history and sought to remind people of their mortality, mainly through depicting an image of a human skull. It was like a more depressing version of carpe diem (or YOLO, if you’re an idiot). During my first year of teaching, a fellow new teacher and I shared many of the same woes. One day, in response to a long email filled with my complaints and whining, she sent me the following response: “When this job feels overwhelming, remind yourself that one day you will die!” She also included a happy, smiling skull. She is no longer a teacher. She quit in her 5th year.

  While this was meant to be a joke, it brings up a larger point. When faced with the trials and difficulties of everyday life, we must ask ourselves if it is worth it on a grander scale. The answers we find can help determine if we are doing what we are supposed to do. I keep a replica of a skull on my desk to remind me that in the grand scheme, none of the bullshit matters, and yes, it is worth it. But here I will use it as an ellipsis, and as a humorous reminder that when the job just seems too hard, there are always two things to look forward to- retirement and death.

  INTRODUCTION

  I have the unique opportunity of teaching in an American high school that integrates many races, religions, and economic backgrounds. A public school usually represents the demographics of the community in which it resides. My school is situated right outside of a major American city. Stude
nts are enrolled from the poorest areas in the city, and the middle-class neighborhood surrounding the school. We also have several programs for gifted students, and many are bused in from the wealthiest areas in the county. The school is a demographical dream with almost a perfect mix of 25% Black, 25% Latino/Hispanic, 25% White and 25% Asian students. They derive from over 90 countries and speak more than 50 languages. It is a perfectly PC school for a study on our current educational system. I have students who barely speak English, students who can hardly read or write, and others who win National Merit scholarships to the best colleges in the country. I have students who go home to multi-million dollar mansions with indoor pools, and others who live in the back of a pickup truck with a tarp over it. There are students with parents who have medical, doctoral and law degrees and those with parents on welfare, in jail or in a homeless shelter.

  Given the broad range of student backgrounds I have taught, I can honestly say that my unbelievably ridiculous and most challenging students don’t fit a particular profile. There is no one demographic that is easier to teach than another. It is all equally difficult, just in different ways. And I should know. Before I started teaching at the school on which this book is based, I tried my hand at many teaching positions. I didn’t discriminate. I needed money and health insurance, and there weren’t many openings where I lived, so I took whatever was offered.

  One of my most interesting experiences was at a psychiatric center. When I was hired, I was told that although this was a live-in facility for teens who had psychological problems, it would be like a regular teaching job. I would teach them about literature, and they would be well behaved since they were heavily medicated. I would even design my own curriculum and could order whatever books and supplies I wanted! This assignment seemed like every teacher’s dream scenario: sedated students, an unlimited budget, and no curriculum restrictions!

  Every day I ran from that place crying hysterically. I lasted two weeks. The security team told me that it was the longest any young female had ever stayed there. My classroom had bars on the windows, and no pens or pencils because the students could stab each other with them. They used big, thick markers instead. The students were mostly male, with one or two females. The classes probably should have been separated by gender, since one girl spent most of the class with another boy’s hand down her pants (I was told to ignore them). They were all about 16 or 17 years old. I started out with some creative writing exercises. Instead of teaching anything, I spent almost all of the time in class telling them not to touch each other and running into the hallway screaming for help. I had to keep making the activities easier and easier because you cannot correct kids who have psychotic anger issues. Needless to say, they take it pretty personally.